Being a Jew
“Intolerance lies at the core of evil. Not the intolerance that results from any threat or danger. But intolerance of another being who dares to exist. “
-Rabbi Menachem Mandle
Recently I became engrossed in a WW II series from Germany, premiering in 2013, called ‘Generation War.’ It was the story of five young German friends, two of them, brothers-German solders-in the same unit on the Russian front, two young women, one of them in love with the fifth friend, a Jew. It was haunting like nothing I’ve seen before, certainly nothing from an allied viewpoint. I wonder what so many of those young Germans thought deep in their hearts. Did they really all want to conquer the world led by a madman or did many of them just want to get through it so they could come home? There was a kind of cognitive dissonance as I watched such well-trained German solders with excellent field military leadership fighting for such a horrible cause like exterminating an entire population. Of course, it's the Jews..always the Jews..always us..those Jews. And not just in 1930–40’s Germany, but throughout history. They are as much a part of me then as I am of them now. As a young boy in Oklahoma, I never spoke of it in school until..until they found out. “A Jew!” “Benji May is a ….” Jew!” Think about that for a minute. Think of what it feels like to be someone who is seen not just as different or odd but foul. Even the name: “Jew” just sounded soiled, dirty- kind of a yellowish brown like those yellow stars of David the Nazis made them- should I say “us?” wear in the 40’s- compared to the white, pristine name: “Christian.” I was now one of the ‘unbebelonged’ when one minute before I was: “just like us.” But you’re not and you never will be. You can’t wash off “Jew” any more than my Black brothers and sisters can wash off Black. And why the hell should it even ever matter?! And there is nothing you can do about it except try to deny it or disappear. And I was even worse. As an only child from divorced parents in the 50’s I wanted to disappear. I would tell my Christian “friends” “I’m not like them.” “I’m like you guys.” I was even worse! I betrayed my own identity and the memory of the masses of Jews- my people-sent to death camps like so many cattle. These things make a traumatic impression on your soul. Think I’m being overly dramatic? Look around. Antisemitism is alive and well in America. Remember “Jews will not replace us?” Just a few years ago in Charlottesville? As the far right continues to foment ludicrous conspiracy theories from Congressmen and women: “cracker” ignorance spewing forth in “trailer trash talk.” The small bit of acceptance I thought we had was nothing more than a phantom. Finally, as I grew into manhood, I shook off my shame. Sometimes, going in another direction. “Yeah, I’m a Jew!” Want to talk about that?” “Bring it asshole!” Not the best strategy but I could at least hold my head up with some pride.
As for me now, I’ll take Israel. At least I know there is a place where I can belong. There the yellowish, soiled six-pointed star transforms into the white of a beautiful, warm day, surrounding the pure light of the blue Star of David: a guiding star. Three quarters of a life where I don’t belong is going to end. Honestly, and sad to say, I deserve better than what America today has to offer. We all do.
