Forever Young…So Far…

Ben May

“You’re as young as your dreams and as old as your fears”

-Milton May

Dad Had a ‘Way…’

Having written a few essays and articles in my life-some of them on Medium- I always like to find a quote that gives a sense of my message’s meaning. I have never used a quote from someone in my family. However, this time I am because it conveys exactly what I want to express. The quote above is something my dad told me when I was just starting out in my career. Dad probably got this quote from some wise person, but I haven’t been able to find it. Not only do I like these words, as I have grown older, I really do believe them. So, at the outset, let me qualify myself with the proper ‘credential’ so I can bring some credibility to this short discussion of my experience. Hopefully, there is something here you can use. My purpose is to demonstrate through the reality of my life, so far, that the idea of old age-especially the emotional and intellectual aspects- are pure bullshit. I don’t know another way to put it. When I say, “old age,” I define it as, well..thinking like the stereotypical old codger thinks. Kind of a negative yet entitled view of life. Perhaps I think in a younger way because my dad did. It’s what I saw, especially later in his life. He lived to be 96. I remember one time I was visiting with him in Oklahoma City where I was born, and he still lived. I must have been in my thirties then. We went to Denny’s for breakfast. Dad was in the clothing business, so he always dressed in style, and that is an understatement. We walked past an older gentleman in bib overalls (not an unusual sight in Oklahoma, even in “the city.”) eating his breakfast. This gentleman looked up at us as we passed by his table and blurted out in a wobbly voice: “Do you know how old ah am?” We paused for a moment, waiting for the answer. “Ah am 65 years old!” I’m not really sure why he felt the need to tell us, but dad just looked at him with disdain. After a three second surprised gaze, Dad said: “Hell, you look and act like some old man!” “I am 86 years old and going like a house afire!” While dad could be a charmer, he could also be downright coarse and cruel. He didn’t suffer fools.

We All Have ‘Issues.’

Dad was already much older-47- when I was born. Same with my mother at 37. This was quite unusual in the 50’s. My parents were divorced after thirteen years when I was six. That was unusual too back then, and it was very traumatic, but I don’t think I realized it until years later. That famous scene from Good Will Hunting comes to mind: “It’s not your fault.” Remember that? My guess is that many of us have lived that scene. I know I did. To this very day when I see a boy with his father I go to pieces. The only difference is I no longer weep silently in public as I do my best to contain myself. My adult son of 42 has a little boy so you can imagine what it’s like to retain my composure when I see them together. Not to mention that my son is one of the finest father’s I’ve ever seen. Watching him with his boy and girl is what my mother used to say about something so beautiful it was indescribable: it looks like a poem.

I think I miss what could have been with my own father if he had just taken the time, especially when I was young, to play with me, although we did develop a wonderful relationship later in life, and it was that relationship that set the stage for my belief in the idea of forever young. But I’m getting ahead of myself. See, I tried to be a better father with my son, and I think I did do a bit better, but fell way, way short, and the same with my daughter. That is a regret I will carry all of my life. See, even though my dad and I did develop a good relationship later in life, I am sure that those formative years are the most important because that is when emotional strength is built through the loving connection of father to son or daughter. If you’ve ever been brave enough to engage in inner child work, you know what I mean. When you summon your inner child and he or she appears, it can be one of the most emotionally draining experiences you will ever endure. You quickly see what you missed in those formative years. Hey, I’m no psychologist, but I am a wounded child. Fortunately, I understand that my wounds are on the mend because I know how to parent that child myself. And I try every day to be a better father no matter how old my adult kids are now, not to mention the obvious opportunity with my grandchildren.

“Advisor Dad”

When my son was twenty, and he began to call me: advisor dad, I understood what he meant. While there was a kind of pride hearing those words, the message to my mind was: “You did adequately when I was young. Let’s see what you can do now that I am older. After reading all of those self-help books and your life experiences, maybe there is something you can offer. Since you didn’t play with me that much and were driven at work, perhaps the cerebral works better for you.” It was finally in my late 50’s, and in recovery, that I began to understand the many places where I had screwed up, and where I could try to be a better man every day because now, I had a roadmap. And this map is a blueprint for life. See, it only goes in two directions: forward and up. So what does this have to do with being forever young, at least so far? Everything!

“That’s Just the Way I Am…”

Sometimes the best way to explain an idea is to show its opposite. My wife often says to me: “that’s just the way ah am” in that Oklahoma twang she dislikes so much. It’s not the twang she hates, it’s Oklahoma. Makes sense these days if you are a liberal democrat. See: “just the way I am” might work for her, but it doesn’t work for me. I love her dearly but I’m on a different path. Think of that phrase Jim Rohn, the leadership guru used to say: “How tall can a tree grow?” “As tall as it can!” Kind of makes sense. Hey, I like “the way I am’’ as long as I am growing because I can be and do better. It’s more like: “I like the way I’m becoming.” Why growing and becoming? Well, when I look back over a few decades, I see a crapload of missteps and even a few big-time failures along with a few high points. I’ve tried to make a study of the big missteps, mainly so I don’t make them again. Oh, I am sure I will continue to screw up but that’s the point: screw up, not down. And hopefully, not as much as before. Much of this has to do with that eternal idea of attitude. It’s my experience that a sense of ingrained optimism, gratitude and enthusiasm, with a good dose of empathy, and a complete belief that God has got me every minute, is all that I need. Now, it’s also my experience that this is a practice. Like they say: “It works if you work it.” I have found that I have to act this stuff as much as I can…every minute until it becomes part of my DNA.

You Really Can Heal

Like I said, I am one of the walking wounded. It’s just that I don’t limp anymore. I came by it rightly. Not only did dad leave when I was six, my mother had three nervous breakdowns from the time I was sixteen until I was 20. That was traumatic and frightening, especially when they turned off the phone and the utilities because she hadn’t paid the bills. I never knew what I was going to get when I came home. Despite her own difficulties, she gave me a sense of empathy and optimism as I saw her pick herself up so many times.

Light Still Comes After Darkness

I have been scared plenty of times in my life and I know what it’s like constantly to be fearful, and if tolerated, over time, it becomes a way of life. I did that for many years too. Sometimes, I feel like the great American mathematician: John Nash. He was the man who received the Nobel Prize in Economics for ‘Game Theory’ after recovering from many years of schizophrenia. When he received the prize, Russell Crow, in the role of Nash in the movie, A Beautiful Mind, said so well, what Nash might have thought, if he didn’t say it himself: “My quest has taken me through the physical, the metaphysical, the delusional–and back.” It really doesn’t matter what Nash said or thought. But I do understand the meaning of that quote. See, for the better part of my life I grappled with anxiety, fear and depression; mostly a fear of failing, of not measuring up, fear of being abandoned. You get the picture, and that brings us to the present moment at 71 years old.​​ The day I retired, every scintilla of anxiety and depression literally vanished. That was over five years ago. The only thing I can figure is that I must have been suffering from extreme performance anxiety leading to what they call dysthymia: a low level but consistent depression. When I tell people this, they are gob smacked because my career and attitude never reflected it. Who knows and who cares? It doesn’t matter. What does matter is I keep learning that life can be better than it is now. When I look back on the territory I have traversed, it’s a mosaic for living. The fact is that now I can cash in on my PhD in living with a broad sunny horizon ahead. I get so excited these days that now I only sleep five hours a night. I’m up at 4 AM and that’s becoming my late wake up. You know you’ve reached some kind of limit if you get up at 5 AM thinking you’ve overslept!

Gratitude is One Answer: It's a Practice that Works

I like simple things, especially if they work, and you never know if they do work until you try them. One day I was so beside myself with anger and self-pity that I called a very tough no nonsense lawyer friend as I continued my rant. “If you want to keep ranting it’s OK. I’ll listen, but if you want an idea that might help, I’ll be glad to tell you about my experience with the idea of gratitude. It’s a practice. Every day write down in long hand a minimum of seven things for which you are grateful. Do it for ten days and by the seventh day let me know what happens.” “Oh, bull! What a bunch of goody, goody crap!” Then he told me in no uncertain terms.” Look, Ben: you asked for my advice. I just gave you my experience, advice and a tool. But you have to pick up the tool.” Well, I stopped ranting and picked up that tool. After two weeks it worked, became a practice and literally inoculated me from negativity. A grateful person is rarely negative and critical.

If You Don’t Keep Climbing, You’ll Never Know How High ‘Up’ Can Be

I have found that it can be very helpful to take some time to review and understand the ground I’ve covered. This activity can yield a wealth of information and understanding. The problem for many of us is that we tend to stay stuck looking at the past. Some people look at it with regret for their mistakes or failures. Some look at the past taking pride in their accomplishments. I take a cursory look at both as instructive for understanding who I was and, most important, where I can go. When I changed my career in my early 50’s I thought I’d already accomplished the big things in my professional life, so I just put my head down to get through my second career until retirement. That was not my experience. I did start over but that second career was exponentially more satisfying that, even now, I don’t even put on my bio that I was even in the first career. In my personal life I’ve experienced the same trajectory so far. It keeps going up, away from people who don’t have my best interests at heart, and some of “those people” are still in my house…So what does all of this mean? I can only speak from my own experience but it means at 71 I’m preparing my launch pad for takeoff to the next level. Think about it. Isn’t it logical that as you gain years and knowledge you would have more to offer and contribute? Look, I don’t know how far I can go but I just feel younger each day-not older. Some people say I have passion and a childlike wonder with the world. Just like my dad. Maybe I’m really that F.Scott Fitzgerald character: Benjamin Button. You know, the guy Brad Pitt played who was born old and became younger? One look in the mirror decries that idea! But I do work out each day, and not drinking for 40 years certainly helps me. I don’t know. What I do know is that the only limits each of us have are those that we allow, and if you fall, who you become will catch you. So, for now, I’ll continue to be as young as my dreams. It worked for dad, and, so far, it’s working for me.