“Let it Go Indiana”
“There is no right way to do a wrong thing” -Seneca
Obsession is just another round on the merry-go-round of unfinished business.” -Dale Andrews
While I’ve never been such a screaming fan of the Indiana Jones’ movies, they do create a sense of excitement coupled with scientific investigation that I can appreciate. I have always been just fascinated by one of them: ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.’ The reason is the relationship between Indiana and his father. That’s right: his father. An only child, my parents divorced when I was six. It was especially traumatic for me, without my father-so much so that even at 72 I can weep at the sight of a father with his son — even my own son with his young boy. My dad was 47 when I was born. He was considered an ‘older father’ at the time. An extremely self-centered man, he really didn’t spend much time with me except on the weekends. Those times were special, and as I grew into manhood we did develop a much closer relationship. While the pain of a lack of father/son nurturing in my formative years remains a painful wound in my heart, I did gain much from his more mature fatherly ‘professional’ guidance in the business world. My adult son calls it: “ advisor dad.” Honestly, I ‘gave’ him much, much more than he deserved and I hope I gave my own son more of myself than my dad did with me. I would say to him: “I love you dad!” His answer: “Thank you very much.”
“No dad. That’s not quite it. Say: “I love you too.”
He finally got it, understanding that it was OK to acknowledge one’s emotions, even at 96 when we were together the night he died.
Today I am still dealing with my own issues as we all are if we are human…and brave.
About 12 years ago my therapist told me quite candidly that my wife of forty years at that time was an emotional abuser. While I was dumbstruck, it did answer several questions with which I’d been struggling for many years. Over the last decade since my therapist’s revelation, I studied everything I could about emotional abuse to realize that she was a poster child for it regardless of her ‘structural’ perfection as a parent and partner. This was a complex issue for me because I was a self-centered ‘boy man’ the first 25 years of the marriage with my own lousy behavior- maybe not blatant, mean-spirited abuse but let’s just say: “I did my part” in spades! One of these transgressions was a love affair that lasted four years until my wife and children discovered it. I made the decision to let her go. It was the most painful thing I ever did. The last time I saw her was over 20 years ago. I knew that she was still single so my only outlet from the abuse was to send her a note about how much I still loved her whenever I got a verbal ‘whack’ from my wife. She never answered. I don’t even know if she ever read any of my emails. Then 15 years ago she did send me one last note: “you will not hear from me again.” Of course, I’m completely aware that she moved on so many years ago. What I learned was that what I saw as ‘her love’, while true and sincere years ago, was really my own need and ability to love. Not hers. Since she was all I knew and experienced, that was all I had. I wasn’t going to have another affair. It was like visiting a museum of the heart: lovers frozen in time with little hope for any future. In fact, I realized that I had become obsessed with my long-ago lover. I even began to have “memories of my memories” from the years before when I was thinking about her. I was like a lone cheerleader on a playing field where the teams and the spectators left years ago. This obsession was no more justified than an alcoholic who tries to justify his compulsion to drink. But I dressed it up as my “only true love” until I finally realized that this obsession could never be merited,
regardless of my wife’s abusive behavior. And, of course, my long-ago lover figured all of this out years and years ago, moving on with her life. It might have been merciful if she had just sent me a two word gesture like: “ please stop sending. I’ve moved on and you should too.” But, I can’t criticize her for sticking to her statement: “ You will not hear from me again.” Hey she gave me plenty of chances. What would I have done if she said: “ I love you too. Now when are we actually going to be together?” “Oh, I’m coming, just give me another ten years.” Right!Then I began to wonder about Indiana and his father as he lurched for the chalice. What could Indiana have been thinking as he reached for The Holy Grail? Was he thinking of eternal youth or eternal wisdom when his father said straining to hold his son’s other hand: “Indiana…Indiana… Let it go, Indiana. Let it go.” His words were not loud or fearful. Just resolute and strong like a father tells his son. And what was I thinking obsessively as I longed for the love I once knew from an illicit affair? Was it really true love or the fulfillment of my own ego and a longing heart devoid of love for a quarter of a century? Was it fair to anyone? There are certain things in this world that we are just not meant to have…for our own good and those around us, like my adult children, even my abusive wife, my lover and especially..me.
That voice in my ear is not my father’s. No, it’s the voice of my adult self: ‘Let it Go Indiana’…
Everyone in your life deserves better…even you.
