Staring Down the Beast
“You can’t be against bullying without doing something about it”
-Randi Weingarten
It’s a Social Disease
There is a lot of talk these days about bullying, especially among young people. I can remember so many years ago, growing up in Oklahoma City, cowering in the shadow of antisemitism from grade school through high school. I managed to live ‘under radar’ until the annual ‘reveal’ when my cover was blown-usually by some teacher-who let the class know: “Benji May is a Jew.” She would stretch out the word: “jewoooo…” as the kids looked at me in disbelief. “A Jew?!” “We thought you were like us. But you’re not like us. You’re one of ‘them’.” Of course, I would deny and plead with my ‘friends’ that I wasn’t like the rest of ‘those people.” And it continued in prep school only then it was the class bully as my head met a locker: “We don’t want your kind here.” In Naval Officer Training in college, same thing except more subtle. Finally, after the ’67 Arab Israeli War I finally found my backbone: “Yeah, I’m a Jew. What about it? You got a problem with it? Please give me a reason to physically demonstrate what the phrase: “Never again” means. It took me long enough and I’m not proud that it took that long. Some people wonder why Israelis can be quite brusque and confrontational sometimes. They’ve got six million reasons called Holocaust to keep anyone from ‘messing’ with them..ever again.
Fill the Vacuum
Having had the bullying experience when I was younger, you’d think I could deal with the more subtle kinds of bullies in the corporate setting, but I’ve had a few situations.
Many years ago, the CEO of a prestigious NY-based wine importer brought me on board to be Vice President of National Accounts. It was a real honor as I had dreamed of being with the company years before, happy just to be a part of the company, let alone a Vice President.
I was hired because of my particular expertise in one area: national account marketing. The first week I had dinner with the CEO and one of his regional vice presidents. This man was a Princeton graduate. He had a brilliant track record of accomplishment with the company. The dinner conversation revolved around this man bombarding me with questions, many of which provided a forum for him to impress me with his knowledge and his prestigious relationships with those accounts I would manage. He was a bully dressed up in a pinstripe suit. “I’m sure I’ll learn a lot from you.” I said politely.
First thing the next morning the CEO called me: “Come to my office now!!”
I immediately ran down to his office, and as I walked in, he was red with anger: “Sit down! I could’ve kicked you under the table!” “In human relationships as in physics, there is no such thing as a perfect vacuum. Invariably, someone will fill that vacuum. You are not going to learn anything from that Vice President we had dinner with last night!! I hired you to fill the vacuum with your expertise. Not his! Either you do what I hired you to do, or leave the company and let him fill that vacuum!! “Yes sir!” I said, and that’s exactly what I did for the next five years. He was one of the finest CEOs I ever worked for. His name was Bob Aldridge. He taught me that each of us deserve the respect we’ve earned through our own intelligence and hard work-and simply because of who we are as a human on this planet.
Stand in Your Own Light
Many of us may have had this same kind of situation. We like to see ourselves as ‘good people’- empathetic some people say. “He’s such a nice guy.” “She’s a very good person-strong of heart.”
See, the tough fact some of us ‘people pleasers’ face is that somewhere along the way, usually in the formative years, something happened-usually trauma- and our way of coping was to ‘be nice’ to stem the chaos we endured. So when faced with a bully now-man or woman-we try to do anything except deal directly with the threat. We delay, rationalize, try to see the other person’s point of view-anything to hold back from the one thing we should do: deal directly and forcefully with the bully. Hey, you might really be in the right. I remember attending a small, intimate leadership conference of just a few CEOs. It was one of those 360-degree assessments. I was the only senior leader who was not a CEO. We were sequestered in a lodge in the foothills of the Cascades just outside Seattle. At the end of the conference, we were each given advice from the team. “Ben, your assessment was the easiest,” said the CEO: “Just change your last name from Ben May to Ben Will.” He had me pegged 100%. As my wife says sometimes: “Ben, there is a certain kind of person who can sense that you tend to be a nice guy,’ and they will push you if you don’t set them straight the minute you sense disrespect.” Now, if you’re looking for logic in this kind of situation, let me save you time. While there most certainly are underlying issues of trauma with the bully, or as we call them today, the abuser, the fact is that unless they have some sense of self-reflection, they will never understand that they have impaired coping skills, probably from their own childhood abuse. So, if you ask them why they are acting abusive, they will either blame you or not have an answer. Reminds me of that scene in the movie: Independence Day. The President of the United States is asking a captured alien: “What do you want here on earth?” The alien whispers: “We want to kill you.”
Self-Knowledge Avails Us Nothing
Acknowledgment and knowledge only go so far, and it’s not very far I’ve learned. Awareness is not a strategy. It’s an indicator. In the fire service we might say: “smoke showing.” We still have to confront the red devil and squelch that beast. And understanding the bully’s point of view is called avoidance. Sooner or later, some of us have to “have that talk”-first with ourselves. Some people call it ‘the dark night of the soul.” We have to decide, at any age, that ‘this shall not pass,’ whether in family matters or in the organizational environment. Once we do that, we’ve made a choice that the only way out is through. We no longer react by saying or doing nothing but beating ourselves up that we didn’t stand our ground when we had the chance. I’ve been there a few times too. Hey, it’s a practice like anything else. You need to do it the wrong way a few times until you get it right. We learn to prepare and take time to respond. That’s right; once you’ve identified the bully and folded a few times, you literally have to prepare like you’re going into battle. Seems like a lot of trouble when you’re dealing with larger, strategic organizational issues. Well, it’s not. It’s not about anything but your honor first, and who you are is more important than any organization. You are living with you until the day you die. You remain vigilant, observe and prepare. Then when the opportunity comes, confront without blinking. Have your facts and make your case unflinchingly. Then you will stand in your own light by honoring yourself, no longer allowing that bully to dishonor you. Regardless of the outcome, you will have grown a few mental feet.
Bob Iger Slays the ‘Beast’
As an Orlando-based retired Disney executive, I was ecstatic to see how Bob Iger knocked Governor Ron DeSantis’ down to size at the time and manner of Iger’s choosing. Bob sized up the bully he faced, did his homework and struck home. He neutered DeSantis’ big mouth bully attempts to play to right wing voters through a botched attack on the most beloved brand in the world. Now DeSantis has vowed retribution. I won’t insult the Governor discussing the amazing short-sightedness of one who should be one heck of an intelligent leader with his education and military background, but, come on Ron! You don’t pick a battle with the dominoes stacked against you from every aspect. That’s marketing 101, not to mention faulty military strategy. Betting against Disney is a losing proposition every time. I remember soon after I joined the company, one of the projects I had initiated began to grow into what appeared to be a significant attraction. Even I began to question if we could get it done: “ What you’re describing sounds impossible.” Ben, at Disney, we start from impossible and go from there because we are going to get it done according to our standards in the way that it should be done.” I learned then that I had signed on with an organization of leaders of the highest caliber. Bullies need not apply. In fact, maybe not today or tomorrow, but the bully in your midst will eventually go the way of the buggy whip, the Soviet Union and Vidkun Quisling.*.
Shine in Your Own Light
It’s always a good thing when we become our own hero, especially when we’ve deserved it for a lifetime. If what I’ve described here applies to you, learn from my history and from others like Bob Iger. You don’t have to wait as long as I did. Give it a try. If you fall, who you become will catch you.
*Quisling was a Norwegian traitor who collaborated with the Nazis during WWII. The term now refers to bully-type people who are actually cowards.
